I finally figured out....

Wow, so since I was just hating on the Jonas Brothers, I figured I had to check out this link somebody sent me (and by "somebody sent me" I mean "I spent hours of my depressing life searching the web and found this") about how bad Miley "the Hammer" Cyrus new song is. (link: http://www.cracked.com/video_16522_6-things-i-hate-about-new-miley-cyrus-song.html)

Now it's a pretty funny video, but the scary part is I literally can't listen to the song without cringing or hitting something. The song is basically the end of 10 Things I Hate About You (yeah, I know, real men shouldn't have seen that movie, but I was young and foolish OK?). Except remove the Barenaked Ladies song "One Week" and replace it with "A Bunch of Cats Being Strangled to Death.

Honestly, she's had 3 #1 albums? Seriously? The only place that song should be played often and repeatedly is at Guantanamo Bay, and even I think that would be too cruel.

Side Note: If you want to hear a song that I almost have to think was meant as a joke, listen to "Wake Up America," which is about environmentalism. I refuse to subject myself to listening to it, but I read the lyrics.

AGHHHHH

Today I was taking a very pleasing break from work walking through a borders book store. Sat down, read a decent bit of Kurt Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle, read through The KIlling Joke graphic novel (or comic book if you insist), and then walked over to the music section. So I think, stupidly, "Hey, maybe I should read a magazine, like Time or Rolling Stone." I go to the magazine rack, and see the Rolling Stone cover. And sure enough, who else is on the cover but Satan's minions themselves, the Jonas Brothers. I was so goddamn pissed I felt like punching the nearest child.

The Jonas Brothers to me epitomize all that is wrong and unholy in this world. They somehow make the Backstreet Boys and N'Sync look like real musicians. The Jonas Brothers are f'in famous for "dating" (by which I mean Disney Channel made up stories to the tabloids) the Spawn of Beelzebub otherwise known as Hannah Montana. (By the way, I mean that literally, cause only the Devil could have come up with a song as tortuous as Billy Ray Cyrus' Achy Breaky Heart).

But Harry, why can't musicians you don't like be on the cover of Rolling Stone? Well, ok, I don't like Coldplay, but I can recognize that they make something close to music. I don't like Lil' Wayne, but I understand that people with IQ's over the New Jersey State Speed Limit like his music. But The Jonas Brothers? They're just young kids who sing whatever the Disney Channel tells them to and then pretends to be teen heartthrobs.

Not to say that the Jonas Brothers are the only ones to blame. Rolling Stone has yet again shown they don't care about "music" or even "counterculture" like they once did. You know, like when the magazine covered music? Now they just have this wussified "political coverage" that basically comes down to insulting republicans. As a pretty moderate guy who doesnt know who hes voting for, I just kinda laugh at the stories. They had one "biography" on Mike Huckabee. Even though the author conceded that Huckabee seemed like a pretty decent guy, the author just went on and ranted about Huckabee creating a theocracy in America. Sure, creationism's pretty dumb, but not as dumb as the magazine's politics. If I want to hear intelligent democratic opinions, I'll read the NY Times. If I want to hear some tabloid journalist spoon-feed the American populace BS about Conservatism without a bit of thought, I'll go back to Rolling Stone.

A Public Service Announcement

I'm sure a lot of you (you being proverbial, because I don't think anybody reads this) have seen the movies Shaun of the Dead and/or Hot Fuzz. And hopefully you think they're hysterical, or at least pretty funny. Both movies starred Simon Pegg (Shaun) and Nick Frost (his fat best friend), and were directed by Edgar Wright.

But before this, they all collaborated on something that is, dare I say it, better. This is the greatest show you have never heard of. This is...Spaced.

So what's the show about? Well its a brit-com (get it? like sit-com + british? I'm so goddamn witty) about two homeless britons who need a house. But apparently getting a good flat (which is a dumb british way of saying apartment. damn british walk around like the created the language) is hard to do. So, Simon Pegg (Tim) and Jessica Hynes (Daisy) pretend to be a couple to get an apartment.

Now, I must note that Jessica Hynes actually created the show, so it's not just the guys who did shaun of the dead. Give credit where credit's due, I mean how many women create and star in shows in the US (by which I mean Tina Fey and..... well it should be about 50% of the shows)?

The show is pure genius. First of all, in Britain you can get away with a lot more than here in the US, which is why the show contains rampant drug use and cursing (not like deadwood cursing, but they can say fuck). Hence "Spaced"... as in I'm spaced out on weed. Now cursing and drugs don't neccesarily make a show, but it allows for a certain freedom (Unlike a certain Jack Bauer, who has had 6 of the worst days ever yet still never drops an F-Bomb. DAMMIT!)

Second of all, the show contains some of the greatest pop culture spoofs I've ever seen. Por Ejemplo, in one episode Simon Pegg takes speed from a bunch of Scottish guys (they were too nice to say no) and eventually the episode devolves into him imagining his whole world as Resident Evil 2 (Hence where Shaun of the Dead came from).

But I can't describe funny. Just watch the show, its the best show ever, its out on DVD, you can definitely pirate it and its on tv-links type websites. If I may recommend, Season 1 episodes 3,4, and 5 are my favorites, although I haven't seen all of season 2. But watch every episode. NOW

Top 5 reasons why Watchmen will make me very angry

So I said previously why Watchmen will rule. here's why it will suck

1) Zach Snyder- ok, so he's directed Dawn of the Dead and 300. 2 successful and not horrific movies. But here's the main problem; Watchmen is all about subtlety and ambiguity. The beauty is all these characters are heroes, but they all are deeply screwed up. Rorschach is ultra-violent, Nite Owl II lets himself go after losing his job, Dr. Manhattan feels inhuman, and the relationship between Silk Spectre I and the Comedian is so bizarre. The entire point is that every character is basically a hero, but they do really crappy things. And who knows what's right and what's wrong? Are the decisions made by all the heroes at the end the correct ones?

So why is this Zach Snyder's fault? Well, it's simple; He doesn't do ambiguity. In 300, the characters are about as subtle as a brick. makeup artist- "Hmm, how shall we depict the one evil Spartan" Snyder- "I know, lets make him crippled and deformed, just in case the audience doesnt realize hes bad." makeup artist- "I don't know, that seems about as obvious as making the Persians giant ogres or rapist-pedophiles" Snyder-"great idea, why didnt I think of that"

Snyder can do action. But he's shown that he either can make a comic book with no ideas (300) or take a social satire and turn it into a straight-up zombie film (Dawn of the Dead).

2) Track Record- Alan Moore has had 3 movies made of his work. they've all been pretty shoddy or saved by things that countered the butchering of his work.
A) League of Extraordinary Gentlemen-The movie that forced Sean Connery into retirement. And Connery had already made a Michael Bay movie.
B) From Hell- Who the Hell has seen it? (Get it, it's funny cause its a pun. I used hell twice, aren't I witty)
C) V for Vendetta- ok hold up. I liked this movie. Why are you insulting it? well, the movie was good, but not because of what happened in the adaptation. Stephen Rea just happens to be the best lead actor who a lot of people don't know, and Hugo Weaving's voice couldnt have been more perfect. BUT, V for Vendetta took a complex book with a complex protagonist about whether anarchy was good or bad and made it a simple yet enjoyable movie about beating evil, completely ignoring WTF will happen to England without a government.

3) The trailer- I liked the trailer. But there are two things that scared me.
A) no plot whatsoever- it was just visuals, which will not suffice in the movie
B) The Song- here's my big bad luck sign. The song in the trailer is "The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" by the Smashing Pumpkins. A song that is on another superhero movie album....
BATMAN AND ROBIN. any connection to that film, coincidental or otherwise, scares me.

4) The actors- below I gave a few reasons why the actors are good. But with the exception of Billy Crudup, these actors havent been in a lot of well-known movies. Sure, I enjoyed Vince's agent on Entourage when Ari was fired, but do I think she can carry a cast? Or a side character from Match Point? Or a former child star whose made one film as an adult? Or a guy best known for dying on Grey's Anatomy? (spoiler alert! if you happen to care about shitty soap operas) Hell, the two most proven actors are Billy Crudup and Patrick Wilson, and nobody even knows who they are (not to say they suck).

5) Logistics- you can't fully transport Watchmen to film (which directly contradicts what I said below this, but w/e). Watchmen is just full of these details that cant be put into film. Every panel has these hidden images, jokes etc. that just make the comic complete. The biggest difference I know between the film and the comic is that the comic-within-the-comic "Tales of the Black Freighter" will not be in the film (wikipedia says so). Watchmen almost needs to be a comic for it to work. A film doesn't have the time to cover everything that Watchmen has. And even if the film was 5 hours long, the details that you could always look back for in the panels are fleeting images.
5)

Top 5 Reasons Watchmen will rule

Watchmen (2009) is the film version of the legendary comic written by Alan Moore and illustrated by Dave Gibbons. As with any beloved source, the adaptation makes me both anxious (It should be awesome right?) and nervous (well they already screwed up League of Extraordinary Gentlemen). So here's my top reasons why I shouldn't be worried about watchmen.

1) The source material- how the hell can you screw up Watchmen? Just take the dialogue and the visuals from the comic and put them in motion and you'd have one hell of a movie. It's basically a movie already, all you need to do is film it. Some comics are too purely visual (300), but watchmen's visuals still kickass and Alan Moore's writing is on par with most great novels.

2) Zach Snyder- say what you will about 300, theres no arguing Zach Snyder is the Van Gogh of maimings and decapitations. The trailer alone proves it, Watchmen will have great visuals. With the possible exception of Sin City, no movie has felt as much like a comic book as 300. If the movie Watchmen is exactly like the comic, well then Snyder will have succeeded.

3) Little Children- Little Children is a very well acted movie most people havent seen based on a book most people havent read that's basically about a really dark patch of suburbia. the main plots are about a man (Patrick wilson) who cheats on his wife with a married woman (Kate Winslet), and about a sex offender (Jackie Earle Haley)
Why do I mention this? Well, Patrick Wilson is Nite Owl II and Jackie Earle Haley is Rorschach in Watchmen. And both have shown they can act. Admittedly, adulterer and pedophile do not always equal superhero (although thats not far off in Watchmen), but hear me out. Wilson in both has to play a decent guy whose fallen on hard times but shows he can still do the right thing. He looks like the all-american boy, but actually has flaws.
Haley even more so. Rorschach is a ultra-right (fascist) guy who does horrific things in both films. He hates the world for rejecting hime (both movies) but like every character in Watchmen shows both signs of good and evil.

4) Matthew Goode, Billy Crudup and Jeffrey Dean Morgan- again, who the hell are these guys. Well, again, they are (kind of) good actors. Goode I've only seen in Match Point, but he's easily the amusing high point when you ignore both Scarlett Johannsen's performance and Scarlett Johannsen's absurdly hot body (it's almost unfair that any man on earth could ever even touch her). He comes off as intelligent and looks pretty physically fit, which is important when you're playing Ozymandius. Billy Crudup (Dr. Manhattan) was very good in both movies I've seen him in (Almost Famous, Big Fish), although you only see him in non-CGI for a short bit. Jeffrey Dean Morgan, I'll be frank, I've never seen him in anything (wikipedia says he was on Supernatural(bleh) Gray's Anatomy(Bleh again) and Weeds (1 out of 3 aint bad)). However, he looks kickass as The Comedian (just check out this link). http://www.imdb.com/media/rm1445107456/nm0604747

5) The Script- admittedly, Watchmen is a tit bit (heh tit) dark. You could see people not liking the ending, cause its not exactly the biggest confidence booster, and when Hollywood sees unhappy, they incorrectly think they'll lose money. Hence why they changed the ending of Dodgeball (remember when you think they lose? thats where the movie was gonna end, with Ben Stiller winning). Luckily the rumours are is that this is the most faithful script they've ever made (there's been quite a few attempts since the 80's). However, if "most faithful" means "we changed the ending," im gonna be "really ticked off".