An Obligatory Post on The Dark Knight (spoilers if youre among the two people who havent seen it)

I could spend a few days writing about the Dark Knight, about how awesome it was. But I'll try and narrow my focus. Instead, I'm going to rank the top characters in the film. Starting off with the ultra obvious....

1) The Joker (Heath Ledger)- Well, there really wasn't much thought into why he's number one. He manages to make The Joker very, very scary, but also twistedly funny. I know you laughed at the pencil trick scene, but try explaining that to another person who hasn't seen the movie. ("Well, he puts a pencil through a guy's face. Isn't that hysterical"/"Sir you need to seek professional help") He somehow makes Jack Nicholson, a person whose made a career on looking insane, look like a kindly old gentleman of a Joker. And Nicholson's Joker is supposed to be one of the all time great villains. He's also a character who openly mocks any sympathy you may have had for him by telling numerous sob stories about his scars. He's as much an idea (anarchy) as he is a villain, which is perhaps the best way to have a villain (it's the same reason Anton Chigurh in No Country for Old Men is awesome). He's a very simple villain, but he's in a very complex movie, which is what makes him so great.

2) Harvey Dent/Two-Face (Aaron Eckhart)- The next 3 characters are easily the hardest to judge. I think Harvey Dent is the best of the "Triumverate" of crime-fighters just because he manages to convey a true descent into madness. He's really a combination of the other 3 main characters (Commissioner Gordon, The Joker and Batman). His plot is really an altered version of Commissioner Gordon's in the famous comic "The Killing Joke," which is about the Joker trying to drive Gordon insane by having one bad day. The difference is, Harvey is so damaged he is seduced by the simple logic of anarchy. No complex good or bad people, just whatever Harvey does is left to chance. A murderous mobster has the same chance of living as an innocent child. What makes Two-Face so horrifying is that he truly was "the best of them." He offered himself up as Batman to do what was right. He did whatever what was neccesary but still correct to stop the Joker. (Hence why him threatening the schizo was ok, because it wasn't actual torture because the coin would never kill him). He had no superpowers, but he managed to win Rachel over, which makes it all the harder to lose her. Because of how good Harvey was, and how far he fell, he really is an outstanding character. (P.S. He might be in the next movie, but who knows. It looks like he died, but then Batman would have killed someone.)

3) Lt./Commissioner James Gordon (Gary Oldman)- At this point you're probably wondering why Batman is number four in a movie about himself. I think Gordon was a better character because he was more developed in this movie. Batman/Bruce Wayne really didn't have a lot to do in this movie except fight. The fights were awesome, but its hard to perform when the only visible part of your face is your eyes. Gordon's character is somewhat intriguing. Some people dont consider him a main character, while others consider him the moral center of the film. I tend towards the latter, and originally he was #2 on my list.
Gordon, on the other hand, manages to convey how hard it is to be truly moral throughout your life. Gordon knows there's corruption, and that some of his officers may be corrupt, but he still is always doing what's right. He easily is the least emotive of the characters besides Batman, but thats what makes the part work so well. He's seen the corruption of the city, saw Bruce Wayne's parents die, worked with a corrupt cop in the first movie. Yet he still has the moral correctness to fake his own death so his family would be safe and The Joker would be stopped. I really was so surprised when Gordon's "death" was told to his wife, I was literally numb during the action sequence that followed (the truck flipping etc.). Luckily I saw it again. However, here's a guy who knows whats wrong with the world, knows evil wont ever go away, yet still always does what he can to change the world and also deeply cares for his family.

4) Batman/Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale)- It's bizarre I only rank the title character of the movie fourth, but here he is nonetheless. The reason he's so far down is that, in this film, he has neither the complexity of Gordon or Dent and he certainly isn't as entertaining as the Joker. The only really defining moment for him is the end where he continues to show that being Batman is doing whats right, not an ego trip.
However, Bruce Wayne has some very amusing scenes. Alfred and him do have a great chemistry, and it gives Christian Bale a chance to be more amusing than he was as a darker Batman in "Batman Begins." However, Christian Bale, who is one of my favorite actors, really doesnt have a lot to work with in this movie.

5) Alfred (Michael Caine)- the next four character are all true supporting characters, but they give the movie the proper background. Alfred is my personal favorite. Although the metaphor about the jewel thief in Asia is a little too blunt (we get it, some criminals cant be bought), Alfred makes you pay attention, and caps it off with a cynical/amusing finale (burning down Gotham will not stop the joker). Really I just found Alfred to be the funniest character. The one other thing that was awesome about Alfred was the burning of Rachel's note. In movies, it seems like everyone finds out the truth, but Alfred did what was the wrong thing to do, but it was also the right thing to do. Bruce thinks hes lying to Harvey about Rachel, but really he too is being lied to. Why is lying correct? "Because sometimes people deserve to have their hope rewarded."

6) Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman)- Morgan Freeman is pretty much an awesome actor. He's really the only actor who anyone would believe is God, just because he seems so confident and modest at the same time (casting him as God in Bruce Almighty was pure genius). Fox doesnt have a lot to do in this movie except give out weapons and look disapprovingly at Bruce, but he does it awesomely. And also the scene about the blackmail just shows how much Morgan Freeman can make someone else look inferior.

7) Sal Maroni (Eric Roberts)- Sal Maroni is the new gangster taking over for Carmine Falconi (Tom Wilkinson). He's not as intimidating as Falconi, but he really is a very needed performance. He shows how the mob seemed like the big problem at the beginning, but its the "Supervillains" like the Joker that will be the problem of the future. He's as commanding as he should be. He knows Batman wont kill him (although the leg breaking was a big FU to that). However, when he gives up the Joker, he shows he's a villain, but the kind you'd rather have. The kind of villain who is rational, whose actions can be guessed. The Joker is unpredicatable, which is why he is scary.

8) Rachel Dawes (Maggie Gyllenhall)- When I heard they recasted Rachel, I really was excited. I mean, they replaced an actress whose basically just a pretty face with a real actress. Now I kind of realize; Rachel worked better as a simple pretty face. Her role was pretty small, and her only real purpose was to be hit on by Bruce and Harvey, and then be a damsel-in-distress. The thing thats bad about the debates on whether or not Maggie Gyllenhall is attractive is this; its true that Katie Holmes is much more gorgeous (or at least was) than Maggie Gyllenhall. However, in real life, most dudes would definitely go for either. She's not ugly; she's just not Hollywood beautiful. And however much I don't want to say this, sometimes a gorgeous face is more important than a real actress.

I finally figured out....

Wow, so since I was just hating on the Jonas Brothers, I figured I had to check out this link somebody sent me (and by "somebody sent me" I mean "I spent hours of my depressing life searching the web and found this") about how bad Miley "the Hammer" Cyrus new song is. (link: http://www.cracked.com/video_16522_6-things-i-hate-about-new-miley-cyrus-song.html)

Now it's a pretty funny video, but the scary part is I literally can't listen to the song without cringing or hitting something. The song is basically the end of 10 Things I Hate About You (yeah, I know, real men shouldn't have seen that movie, but I was young and foolish OK?). Except remove the Barenaked Ladies song "One Week" and replace it with "A Bunch of Cats Being Strangled to Death.

Honestly, she's had 3 #1 albums? Seriously? The only place that song should be played often and repeatedly is at Guantanamo Bay, and even I think that would be too cruel.

Side Note: If you want to hear a song that I almost have to think was meant as a joke, listen to "Wake Up America," which is about environmentalism. I refuse to subject myself to listening to it, but I read the lyrics.

AGHHHHH

Today I was taking a very pleasing break from work walking through a borders book store. Sat down, read a decent bit of Kurt Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle, read through The KIlling Joke graphic novel (or comic book if you insist), and then walked over to the music section. So I think, stupidly, "Hey, maybe I should read a magazine, like Time or Rolling Stone." I go to the magazine rack, and see the Rolling Stone cover. And sure enough, who else is on the cover but Satan's minions themselves, the Jonas Brothers. I was so goddamn pissed I felt like punching the nearest child.

The Jonas Brothers to me epitomize all that is wrong and unholy in this world. They somehow make the Backstreet Boys and N'Sync look like real musicians. The Jonas Brothers are f'in famous for "dating" (by which I mean Disney Channel made up stories to the tabloids) the Spawn of Beelzebub otherwise known as Hannah Montana. (By the way, I mean that literally, cause only the Devil could have come up with a song as tortuous as Billy Ray Cyrus' Achy Breaky Heart).

But Harry, why can't musicians you don't like be on the cover of Rolling Stone? Well, ok, I don't like Coldplay, but I can recognize that they make something close to music. I don't like Lil' Wayne, but I understand that people with IQ's over the New Jersey State Speed Limit like his music. But The Jonas Brothers? They're just young kids who sing whatever the Disney Channel tells them to and then pretends to be teen heartthrobs.

Not to say that the Jonas Brothers are the only ones to blame. Rolling Stone has yet again shown they don't care about "music" or even "counterculture" like they once did. You know, like when the magazine covered music? Now they just have this wussified "political coverage" that basically comes down to insulting republicans. As a pretty moderate guy who doesnt know who hes voting for, I just kinda laugh at the stories. They had one "biography" on Mike Huckabee. Even though the author conceded that Huckabee seemed like a pretty decent guy, the author just went on and ranted about Huckabee creating a theocracy in America. Sure, creationism's pretty dumb, but not as dumb as the magazine's politics. If I want to hear intelligent democratic opinions, I'll read the NY Times. If I want to hear some tabloid journalist spoon-feed the American populace BS about Conservatism without a bit of thought, I'll go back to Rolling Stone.

A Public Service Announcement

I'm sure a lot of you (you being proverbial, because I don't think anybody reads this) have seen the movies Shaun of the Dead and/or Hot Fuzz. And hopefully you think they're hysterical, or at least pretty funny. Both movies starred Simon Pegg (Shaun) and Nick Frost (his fat best friend), and were directed by Edgar Wright.

But before this, they all collaborated on something that is, dare I say it, better. This is the greatest show you have never heard of. This is...Spaced.

So what's the show about? Well its a brit-com (get it? like sit-com + british? I'm so goddamn witty) about two homeless britons who need a house. But apparently getting a good flat (which is a dumb british way of saying apartment. damn british walk around like the created the language) is hard to do. So, Simon Pegg (Tim) and Jessica Hynes (Daisy) pretend to be a couple to get an apartment.

Now, I must note that Jessica Hynes actually created the show, so it's not just the guys who did shaun of the dead. Give credit where credit's due, I mean how many women create and star in shows in the US (by which I mean Tina Fey and..... well it should be about 50% of the shows)?

The show is pure genius. First of all, in Britain you can get away with a lot more than here in the US, which is why the show contains rampant drug use and cursing (not like deadwood cursing, but they can say fuck). Hence "Spaced"... as in I'm spaced out on weed. Now cursing and drugs don't neccesarily make a show, but it allows for a certain freedom (Unlike a certain Jack Bauer, who has had 6 of the worst days ever yet still never drops an F-Bomb. DAMMIT!)

Second of all, the show contains some of the greatest pop culture spoofs I've ever seen. Por Ejemplo, in one episode Simon Pegg takes speed from a bunch of Scottish guys (they were too nice to say no) and eventually the episode devolves into him imagining his whole world as Resident Evil 2 (Hence where Shaun of the Dead came from).

But I can't describe funny. Just watch the show, its the best show ever, its out on DVD, you can definitely pirate it and its on tv-links type websites. If I may recommend, Season 1 episodes 3,4, and 5 are my favorites, although I haven't seen all of season 2. But watch every episode. NOW

Top 5 reasons why Watchmen will make me very angry

So I said previously why Watchmen will rule. here's why it will suck

1) Zach Snyder- ok, so he's directed Dawn of the Dead and 300. 2 successful and not horrific movies. But here's the main problem; Watchmen is all about subtlety and ambiguity. The beauty is all these characters are heroes, but they all are deeply screwed up. Rorschach is ultra-violent, Nite Owl II lets himself go after losing his job, Dr. Manhattan feels inhuman, and the relationship between Silk Spectre I and the Comedian is so bizarre. The entire point is that every character is basically a hero, but they do really crappy things. And who knows what's right and what's wrong? Are the decisions made by all the heroes at the end the correct ones?

So why is this Zach Snyder's fault? Well, it's simple; He doesn't do ambiguity. In 300, the characters are about as subtle as a brick. makeup artist- "Hmm, how shall we depict the one evil Spartan" Snyder- "I know, lets make him crippled and deformed, just in case the audience doesnt realize hes bad." makeup artist- "I don't know, that seems about as obvious as making the Persians giant ogres or rapist-pedophiles" Snyder-"great idea, why didnt I think of that"

Snyder can do action. But he's shown that he either can make a comic book with no ideas (300) or take a social satire and turn it into a straight-up zombie film (Dawn of the Dead).

2) Track Record- Alan Moore has had 3 movies made of his work. they've all been pretty shoddy or saved by things that countered the butchering of his work.
A) League of Extraordinary Gentlemen-The movie that forced Sean Connery into retirement. And Connery had already made a Michael Bay movie.
B) From Hell- Who the Hell has seen it? (Get it, it's funny cause its a pun. I used hell twice, aren't I witty)
C) V for Vendetta- ok hold up. I liked this movie. Why are you insulting it? well, the movie was good, but not because of what happened in the adaptation. Stephen Rea just happens to be the best lead actor who a lot of people don't know, and Hugo Weaving's voice couldnt have been more perfect. BUT, V for Vendetta took a complex book with a complex protagonist about whether anarchy was good or bad and made it a simple yet enjoyable movie about beating evil, completely ignoring WTF will happen to England without a government.

3) The trailer- I liked the trailer. But there are two things that scared me.
A) no plot whatsoever- it was just visuals, which will not suffice in the movie
B) The Song- here's my big bad luck sign. The song in the trailer is "The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" by the Smashing Pumpkins. A song that is on another superhero movie album....
BATMAN AND ROBIN. any connection to that film, coincidental or otherwise, scares me.

4) The actors- below I gave a few reasons why the actors are good. But with the exception of Billy Crudup, these actors havent been in a lot of well-known movies. Sure, I enjoyed Vince's agent on Entourage when Ari was fired, but do I think she can carry a cast? Or a side character from Match Point? Or a former child star whose made one film as an adult? Or a guy best known for dying on Grey's Anatomy? (spoiler alert! if you happen to care about shitty soap operas) Hell, the two most proven actors are Billy Crudup and Patrick Wilson, and nobody even knows who they are (not to say they suck).

5) Logistics- you can't fully transport Watchmen to film (which directly contradicts what I said below this, but w/e). Watchmen is just full of these details that cant be put into film. Every panel has these hidden images, jokes etc. that just make the comic complete. The biggest difference I know between the film and the comic is that the comic-within-the-comic "Tales of the Black Freighter" will not be in the film (wikipedia says so). Watchmen almost needs to be a comic for it to work. A film doesn't have the time to cover everything that Watchmen has. And even if the film was 5 hours long, the details that you could always look back for in the panels are fleeting images.
5)

Top 5 Reasons Watchmen will rule

Watchmen (2009) is the film version of the legendary comic written by Alan Moore and illustrated by Dave Gibbons. As with any beloved source, the adaptation makes me both anxious (It should be awesome right?) and nervous (well they already screwed up League of Extraordinary Gentlemen). So here's my top reasons why I shouldn't be worried about watchmen.

1) The source material- how the hell can you screw up Watchmen? Just take the dialogue and the visuals from the comic and put them in motion and you'd have one hell of a movie. It's basically a movie already, all you need to do is film it. Some comics are too purely visual (300), but watchmen's visuals still kickass and Alan Moore's writing is on par with most great novels.

2) Zach Snyder- say what you will about 300, theres no arguing Zach Snyder is the Van Gogh of maimings and decapitations. The trailer alone proves it, Watchmen will have great visuals. With the possible exception of Sin City, no movie has felt as much like a comic book as 300. If the movie Watchmen is exactly like the comic, well then Snyder will have succeeded.

3) Little Children- Little Children is a very well acted movie most people havent seen based on a book most people havent read that's basically about a really dark patch of suburbia. the main plots are about a man (Patrick wilson) who cheats on his wife with a married woman (Kate Winslet), and about a sex offender (Jackie Earle Haley)
Why do I mention this? Well, Patrick Wilson is Nite Owl II and Jackie Earle Haley is Rorschach in Watchmen. And both have shown they can act. Admittedly, adulterer and pedophile do not always equal superhero (although thats not far off in Watchmen), but hear me out. Wilson in both has to play a decent guy whose fallen on hard times but shows he can still do the right thing. He looks like the all-american boy, but actually has flaws.
Haley even more so. Rorschach is a ultra-right (fascist) guy who does horrific things in both films. He hates the world for rejecting hime (both movies) but like every character in Watchmen shows both signs of good and evil.

4) Matthew Goode, Billy Crudup and Jeffrey Dean Morgan- again, who the hell are these guys. Well, again, they are (kind of) good actors. Goode I've only seen in Match Point, but he's easily the amusing high point when you ignore both Scarlett Johannsen's performance and Scarlett Johannsen's absurdly hot body (it's almost unfair that any man on earth could ever even touch her). He comes off as intelligent and looks pretty physically fit, which is important when you're playing Ozymandius. Billy Crudup (Dr. Manhattan) was very good in both movies I've seen him in (Almost Famous, Big Fish), although you only see him in non-CGI for a short bit. Jeffrey Dean Morgan, I'll be frank, I've never seen him in anything (wikipedia says he was on Supernatural(bleh) Gray's Anatomy(Bleh again) and Weeds (1 out of 3 aint bad)). However, he looks kickass as The Comedian (just check out this link). http://www.imdb.com/media/rm1445107456/nm0604747

5) The Script- admittedly, Watchmen is a tit bit (heh tit) dark. You could see people not liking the ending, cause its not exactly the biggest confidence booster, and when Hollywood sees unhappy, they incorrectly think they'll lose money. Hence why they changed the ending of Dodgeball (remember when you think they lose? thats where the movie was gonna end, with Ben Stiller winning). Luckily the rumours are is that this is the most faithful script they've ever made (there's been quite a few attempts since the 80's). However, if "most faithful" means "we changed the ending," im gonna be "really ticked off".

A brief interlude

Many things confuse me in life. Such as this little trivia tidbit found on the interweb

"Jodie Foster was forced to pull out of 'Double Jeopardy' (1999) because she became pregnant."

In usual circumstances this would make sense. Jodie has an unplanned pregnancy in her own marriage, so she leaves a movie. THats what that would indicate. Right? Otherwise she wouldn't have signed up for the movie if she was trying hard to get pregnant. But....






Jodie Foster's a lesbian (not that theres anything wrong with that). Has been for a while. Too bad the guy who shot Ronald Reagan did not know that. And barring any technological advances I havent yet heard of, lesbians really cant have accidental pregnancies, barring an unfortunate sperm bank incident. So WTF?

Number 2) ZAC EFRON IS ON THE COVER OF ROLLING STONE? HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL KID TAKES PRECEDENCE OVER THE ANNIVERSARY OF ELVIS DEATH? I AM SO MAD CAPS LOCK CANNOT EVEN EXPRESS THE FULL SCOPE OF MY RAGE

Number 3) another music related thing that pisses me off. The top 5 selling recording artists of all time. The list has the ones you would guess (Elvis Presley, The Beatles, Michael Jackson). At number 5 it has the Eagles, who have the best selling album of all time (and it was released before Hotel California and Life in the Fast Lane). But number 3. Hmmmm, could it be Billy Joel? That would make sense. Perhaps The Rolling Stones? They were around for a while. How about Frank Sinatra, hes been around forever. No the correct answer is Garth Brooks. I have never even heard a song by him, let alone an album.

Number 4) Misinterpretation of songs as Patriotic. Por ejemplo "Keep on Rockin in the Free World". This song became an anthem for the fall of communism, and later in the surge of Post 9/11 patriotism. Ironically enough, its based on a quote "Whatever we do, we shouldn't go near the Mideast. It's probably better we just keep on rockin' in the free world." The song also points out the many problems with the US at the time it was released. Another great example "Born in The U.S.A." It has been used as a symbol of patriotism since it was released. Ronald Reagan even singled out Bruce Springsteen as a "great patriot". The song is basically about how we crappily treated our Vietnam vets. And how the U.S.A. should be ashamed.

Bruce Willis vs Ed Norton Round 2 Finale

The final spot in the final four is perhaps an easy one, so I will start by saying Ed Norton is my favorite actor. You put him in any role, and he will act the shit out of it. THat being said, his badass credentials are nowhere close to Bruce Willis. Ed doesnt have a character who is close to the badassery of John McClane. Ed was never dead the whole time like Bruce was. Ed wasnt a real life superhero like Bruce was (Unbreakable). Ed never got Jessica Alba to try and sleep with him. Ed was not in a trippy weird Luc Besson movie that had Gary Oldman and LInk Stark in it (The Fifth element). And of course, Ed wasnt in Pulp Fiction. Although points off for allowing Ben Affleck to live in Armegeddon, he still wins a badass competitition

Round 2 Washington vs Sutherland

This ones a tough one, and as murph said, he disagreed with Washington making it to round 2. And he stands a shot in this round for sure. Keifer Sutherland usually has the advantage of torturing people. But Washington tortured the shit out of what must be Half of Mexico City in Man on Fire, and more graphically too. Cut off some fingers, put a bomb in some guys ass, even used psych torture to get marc anthony to kill himself, something im sure everyone has wanted. And while Jack Bauer is kickass, Washington has a wider scope of badass figures. Inside man? Malcolm X? Creasy in Man on Fire? Sorry Murph, Denzel makes it to the semis, although Jack Bauer would win if we were judging 1 character alone

Round 2, Bond vs Terminator

This one is a tough pick. Bond is the king of cool, but the Terminator is literally unstoppable. First I will evaluate the other movies Connery and Arnold have done. Connery did the Rock, where he was both eligible for senior citizen benefits and eligible to kill. He had the highest kill total in the movie by far, and there were many younger guys in it. Arnold did the Predator, and although some may say its badass he can survive a nuclear bomb by jumping over a log, I call it retarted. He doesnt even kill the Predator, the Predator offs himself. Nor does he get the cool line in the movie "I aint got time to bleed." That went to the other future governor in the movie, Jesse Ventura. I am still waiting for Carl Weathers to announce his intention to run for governor of NY. Arnold did do Commando, but the death toll gets so high it seems to be more genocide than homicide. And while Conan the Barbarian is indeed kickass, I will never forgive him for Kindergarden Cop. Or for that matter BAtman & Robin, and he manages to have the worst lines in that crapfest. "Ice to meet you"? "You're not sending me to the Cooler"? "Cool Party"? "Allow me to break the ice"? and the worst of all "Time to Kick Some Ice". Connery wins, cause hes saved the world as bond, killed nazis as Indiana Jones' dad, brought down the mob in The Untouchables, Brought down the commies in Hunt for Red October and was not in Batman & Robin.

Round 2 Commences, Samuel L vs Michael Bay

Samuel L has been coasting in the competition, getting the 2nd easiest victim in the first round, and now getting one of the easier ones here. Michael Bay certainly has his badass down in most of his movies, but the schlock romance combined with ben affleck in Pearl Harbor brings him down a notch. And also Bay is a director who really doesnt have to show his badassery on screen. And Samuel L has Jules Winnfield, a trump card in nearly any badass showdown

Michael Bay vs Slyvester Stallone

Michael Bay, the director of legend. THe only man who has one movie with a legitimate cast and which does by far the worst at the box office. The only man who took the worst cast ever (PEarl Harbor) and made it into his most profitable movie, until he made a movie about toys. I have no doubt he woke up one morning and said "lets make a toy movie where we blow some shit up". Stallone is also a director, he directed Rocky among others. Stallone also was Rambo, the kickass ex-Green BEret. However, Bay wins. I will never forgive Stallone for Rocky V. Or for Driven. Or for the wussy breakdown at the end of Rambo: First Blood. Or for the third spy kids. He has too many movies that are bad and unkickass, where as bay is kickass through and through